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5 Jonathan Safran Foer, One-Hit Wonder Joyce Carol Oates invented this Jewish mother’s wet dream in celebrity biography a Princeton laboratory, and now we have to live in a world where eager-to-please frauds like Foer receive unearned comparisons to geniuses like Burgess and Joyce. Continuing a disturbing recent literary trend, his overhyped, cutesy first novel, Everything Is Illuminated, features a fictional protagonist whose name is Jonathan Safran Foer. Incidentally, most of us get along just fine celebrity biography with a mere two names, dick. 4 Ann Coulter, Pundit Yes, she does live here. What a depressing age we live in, when a horse-faced celebrity biography Tri-Delt who spends her days hurling genocidal threats at foreigners and liberals—whose best come-hither look promises jackboots, pepper gas and the switch—can somehow be considered a sex symbol. What’s next? Vlad the Impaler Beanie Babies? A children’s show called Joseph McCarthy’s Neighborhood? Please, before it’s too late, bring back Charlene Tilton, and send this pampered, vicious bitch back to the stenographic pool where she belongs.
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